Why The World Picked Me
When we arrived home, life went back to normal. I felt like nothing was good enough. I constantly looked for the approval of my parents, never thinking that I should be satisfied with the love and approval from myself. I was grasping at straws, trying to get my hands on any glimpse of happiness that came my way. Trying to recreate the feeling I had when we had gone camping, but it was no good. I felt empty and unfulfilled. I didn’t know what to do or how to fix it. I thought that maybe this was just the way life was.
When I was 14 years old my older brother got me to try some pot. I liked it and started drinking at 15. By 18 I had moved out and started using cocaine. I was high for 1 year straight because I had finally found the good feeling that I longed for. But it only lasted as long as I had the cash to keep it going. I tried to keep myself working, feeling good and getting high but it was hard. I gave up and moved back home, because it was a guaranteed job for me.
In my 20s I thought there must be more to life than going from one relationship to another. I was basi- cally sleepwalking through my life at this point. Wan- dering aimlessly, looking for the answer and finding none. Day in and day out, I was yearning to find my truth.
All the fears that I created in my own mind & influenc- es from my parents, came forward into my relation- ships and I was trapped into playing them out time and again. Was this serving my own growth? Absolutely not! Why was this? How do I change it?
Each relationship started out amazing, or so I thought. But the truth was, there was nothing amazing about them except for one or two magic moments here and there (just like my parents). There was a lot of anger around my relationships and that was the true cause of pain in my life. I seemed to be unconsciously seeking out painful situations all the time.