I was married then divorced then remarried to the same woman again.
My name is Stefan Neff I was born in 1969 in Richmond BC Canada.
As far back as I remember when I was five years old I was a bed wetter until the age of twelve. I was always trying to hide this fact because my father would get angry with me, so I decided to hide my pee stained sheets in the washing machine so he wouldn’t get mad at me. When I started elementary school I was told that I had a learning disabilities, I was a shudder and was dyslexic. When I tried to read and write, school became difficult in my life having other children tease me through out my childhood smelling pee on my clothes saying words like pee boy pee boy and being called stupid. This was a painful feeling in my life when I was growing up. One of my favourite things to do to escape my feelings in life was playing soccer as a child to release my anxiety in life, starting at the age of six years old. But I was always wondered why my father never came to my soccer games to watch me play. At times even my mother just dropped me off at the coaches house because she said she was to busy to drive me to my games. I often wondered when watching other mothers and father attending there children’s games and asking myself why only me then tears would run down my cheeks with pain in my heart, wanting my parents to see me play the game I loved so much. I remembered when I was seven years old sitting on my parents bed by myself playing with a box of wooden matches wondering what would happen if I started a fire on there bed. When the fire started to grow I began to panic in fear and went and sat down in the living room beside my parents like there was nothing wrong. As time went on my father could smell smoke and found there bed was on fire, he managed to drag the mattress outside of the house. My father was so angry his face turned into a different person, asking who did this looking at me did you do this, and I answered with a nervous look on my face trembling with fear, and said I did it I was playing with matches. I remember my father taking his belt off of his waist and hitting me many times and told me why did you make me belt you with anger in his eyes. In my teenage years I continued to play soccer as well as basketball never once my father saying great job son always wondering if had got in trouble this was a painful time of my life growing up never being good enough for my father. In high school I began to rebel against my parents started smoking cigarettes drinking alcohol and doing drugs to escape from my pains in my life.
When I was twenty three I had my first son with out seeing him born and meeting him for the first time when he was three years old calling someone else daddy, I was blaming others for my problem in life continuing to abuse drugs and alcohol wondering why this was happening to me why me I asked as I looked to the sky with tears in my eyes. When I was twenty eight my son started to visit me more often now five years old. I soon found out that his mother was abusing drugs to the point of being homeless with our son. I took it upon myself to enrol our son into kindergarten at the same elementary school I attended when I was a child. Soon after his mother became homeless and was living at her drug dealers house turning to a life of crime for the drugs that she needed. I took on the responsibility of carrying for my son on my own but still abusing marijuana myself. I had a strong hatred towards his mother for leaving me to raise our son without love in his life. When I was twenty nine I meet a Japanese women at my family’s home, were I feel in in love with this beautiful woman, and started on a journey of pain, fear, abuse and love. I traveled to Japan for the next few years before marrying in Japan in the year 2000. When we got married she stayed in Japan and I came back without my wife. This was a painful feelings within me all over again thinking from my past. When I arrived in Canada people asked me where is your wife, I lied to my family and friends about my true thoughts and feelings holding them within me. I continue to abuse marijuana and alcoholic to hide my pains from myself. When my wife decided to come to live in Canada she wanted to have a child and immigrate to Canada. But I didn’t want to help her with the paper work that needed to be done, I told her that you can do it on your own because I didn’t know how to fill out the paper work and she could pay someone to do it for her. I said to her you have more money than me to pay for it so do it with anger in my voice. As time went on she became pregnant with our child, she asked me if we could go to the doctor with a reply do you have medical insurance of course I knew she didn’t. I didn’t want to go to the doctor because I was afraid I might need to pay. All I wanted to do is save my money for drugs and alcohol and run away from my responsibility in life. Six months before our son was born my wife’s farther was ill and dying with cancer in Japan, she decided to return and see her farther for the time he had left in his life. I was so angry with her decision to leave me again because I thought that she wasn’t going to return to Canada ever again. Her father past away a few months later before he could see his only grandson born. My fears became my reality when my wife decided to stay in Japan. So I decided to go to Japan and try to convince her to return with me to Canada with anger in my heart because I didn’t want to be a failure in my life. I found there was no love in her heart for me anymore, I made an excuse that I needed to return to Canada to make arrangements to move to Japan, this was a lie so I could escape from my responsibility as a father and a husband. There was a time in our sons life where he want see his father when he was two years old wondering who he was. My wife decided to come back to Canada for one reason only this was to get a divorce from me. I tried to make it work with love towards my son to make her love me again. This was a hopeless feeling in my life she was ready to move on with her life she hated me so much that she couldn’t even look at me anymore. I knew at that moment there was no more love in her heart, I had drove her away for ever. It felt like I was dying inside. I singed the divorce papers and they left soon thereafter seeming that I would never see my son again. I spent my time wallowing in my pains thinking that my life was a failure lying to people about what had happen between my wife and I. I said that she just didn’t like Canada and missed Japan and was forcing me to move to Japan. I didn’t send money, always promising but never doing what I said I was going to do for them. There came a time again my son wanted to see his father, so we set up Skype calls so he could see me once in a while and I started to send money to Japan. When our son was four years old he wanted to come and visit his family in Canada once again, but this time when they arrived in Canada they where put in jail at the Vancouver airport and were sent back to Japan in shame. We never spoke for month after that painful moment in her life, she hated Canada more than ever now. There came a time in our sons life that he really wanted to experience Canada for himself when he was six years old again wondering who is my father. Now my ex-wife decided to come back to Canada once again, when they arrived at the airport the immigration officers phoned me and asked me many questions about why they where coming to Canada if I was really who they said I was. Finally I saw them walking throw the gate with tears in my eyes thinking yes this is really happening finally after so many years of pain they are here, all the emotions came out from within me.
The plain was they where going to stay for three month, but I wanted them to stay forever. As time went on our son was enjoying his time in Canada and wanted to stay longer and start going to school in Canada so I signed him up at the local elementary where I went when I was a child. This was a dream come for me but there was no love between his mother and I. For his mother to stay in Canada she needed to be a landed immigrant, the only way this was a possibility was for us to get married again but there was no love between us. Her love towards her son was so strong she decided to get married without love in her hearts to make our sons dreams come true. After we got married our anger towards each other grew more and more everyday. She wanted to move away from me, but they didn’t know where to go. She asked me to pay for them to stay somewhere else. The disappointment of this feeling turned into anger and I began verbally abusing her I told her if you move on your own you can pay for it yourself. She phoned the police on me about my verbal abuse towards her and they told her if I wasn’t hitting her that there was nothing that they could do to help her, they said verbal abuse isn’t a crime in this country. She decided to leave and go to a transitional house for abused and homeless woman. This again was a moment of what I thought was betrayal, I said why me with anger in my heart. My family became angry with my wife for leaving me once again, protecting my feelings saying you did nothing wrong you are a good man. But deep down in my subconscious mind there was a feeling that my family was wrong to think this way. My wife and son stayed at the transitional house for there aloud time one month. I wasn’t aloud to see them nor aloud to know where they were staying. There was a friend that my wife had that help us reconnect our lives to allow me see what I had to do as a father. I decided to pay for there small coach house where they were going to stay. Time went on in our lives our son started a new school. But I was an outsider now looking into a window of there life, wanting to be a part of there life but still thinking of myself. I would often stay overnight and try to be a guest father. But this was a painful feeling always looking into there lives through a window but feeling left out of there new life without me. Our son wanted to start playing soccer In 2010 this was something that create joy in my life like when I was a young boy. I was ask to become his soccer coach for this was a exciting feeling for me to give back and participate in my sons life in a positive way. This was a dream come true, I always wanted to become a coach. Then that same year our son wanted to go visit his family in Japan but his mother wasn’t allowed to leave Canada until she had gotten her landed immigration papers done. So we sent him to Japan with the friend that help us through our difficult times. During the time our son was in Japan, just before the new year had started at 11:55 PM December 31st 2010 our life was turned upside down my wife had stop breathing and was near death with a unknown illness! I panicked with fear and didn’t know what to do, I got her breathing again but she could talk nor walk. I picked her up in my arms and carried her to my car and took her to the hospital as fast as could. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with her, but she still couldn’t walk on her own or talk after they did so many test. They said that she could go home in the morning. When I brought her home she needed twenty four hour care this was the start of my healing process that was to care for someone else besides myself. What I didn’t realize in 2009 that my wife was writing a blog about her life with her son without a father. People started to contact her asking her about the life that she was living in Canada. After her near death experience she started to change her life. In 2012 she was told that she had to stop writing her blog because some of my family members where getting upset about what was spoken to be truth. This allowed her started her online counselling with Japanese women all over the world. My wife told me she didn’t need me anymore and that you needed to understand that I am going to happy no matter what you do in your life. If I wanted to be with her I needed to understand her feelings that she is going to be happy without me in her life. This is when we I realized that she had changed her life. This was really when we started work on our relationship with passion in our life and love in are hearts. I didn’t want to continue looking through a window of there life from outside. I made the decision to stop looking through the window and begin a life without fear of being alone in this world, to feel joy in my life allow truth to live within me. In 2016 after coming back from Japan, I made a life changing decision to start working with my wife to change the world in how the universe creates our lives from what we believe to be our reality. We work on our relationship and business everyday to have growth and learning about who we are as human beings to allow the feeling of happiness that is our lives together now.
THANK YOU LIFE 101
BY STEFAN NEFF